Chattering Leaves

She stood in the doorway with clenched fists

hands stained
body shaking
and eyes blurring
thick with tears.

She bowed her head
shoulders risen
arms straight
elbows locked

she floated there
not standing
nor sitting
not still
not moving

halfway between reality
and a different dimension

every thought possible raced through her head
as the tears won out
and the world dissipated
in water and darkness

the sound of leaves
chattering on trees

faded in
and faded out
of focus

her body temperature
spiked and dove

unmoving
but shifting
leaning
and swaying

the floor grew damp at her feet
the breeze injected chills directly into her spine

as it sang its ghastly song
whispering in her ear
and playing with her hair

the first tear freed from the tip of her nose
fell rapidly

and splashed in the pool of dark viscous liquid
crawling toward her feet

all lay before her
all lay beneath her

drowning
cold
dead

as she stands there
drowning
cold
and dead

Patience

The realization is slow, the impact quiet

my falls, my destruction
are great, the quake resonating for miles around

but my recovery is nearly silent
as You extend a hand
and give me strength
to shake off the dust.

i may still reel
and i know i’ll fall again
but knowing that You’re here

now
and will be
then

i’m thoroughly immersed
awe fills my senses
and silences my mind

Cobra

i face The Fear,

as i reach a never ending pier
who are you to know

what causes The Pain in me

who do you think you are
to bring The Sorrow to my door

The Joy is something i can no longer feel

as The Fury builds in my chest
and i become blind with rage

and in my blindness
i reach The End..

…

In honor of the upcoming MGS5, this has been another tribute to Big Boss.

yes, i’m obsessed, deal with it.

A Fox for the Hounds

there is nothing left for me
having consumed cobras of a bloody past
to establish my place

i killed the joy of life
and in doing so
my fate was sealed

i inherited those scars
i took that name

i am the power
hanging in the balance

and i am marching forward
not for king
nor for country

no patriotism
runs in my tainted blood

i take haven
in the fields of battle

and i single-handedly
thrust the world

into having zero future.

what i bear
will yield no fruit

only the flames of war
and a distorted vision

which in turn

will create more legless serpents

fighting for the right to walk

where they will only find a dead end

i was called the final son
of a legend

and a terrible child, i am

…

inspired by Metal Gear Solid’s original snake, Big Boss.

"...And Then Came Grace."

rising in the morning
feeling as a dog to its
own mess

only to flick on the screen
clicking shuffle

the first song
and it’s title

instantly
reminding me

there’s always love

even as the house
i built in sand

falls

and falls
greatly and completely

my own words hum lowly
in my ears

i’m drowning in a sinking sea
no buoyancy to keep me afloat
and my dead weight pulls me down

i still find myself surprised
when i’m pulled ashore

again.

hacking up that familiar dark fluid

You’re still standing over me
love exuding from your existence.
and that strange gravity

feeling as though
everything is slowly sloped towards You
almost as if even the inanimate and lifeless objects yearn
to be near..
even the world itself shifts its gravity to You.

and now
i see something i didn’t see before

the dark festering pool
of thick liquid
i coughed up

shrinks like a sponge
as clear, clean water seeps out
and begins trickling

towards You

running towards You.

and the black spot
no longer liquid
begins to crack
and crumble

into dust
and blows away
into nothing

in this moment
of observation

realization continues
to dawn on me

and i now know

i’m still worth saving
as Your love surrounds me

again.
and again

sarcasm

with thoughts of words from another
"advertising is legalized lying"
i begin to think
…

after seeing a recent media masterpiece
i can formulate that
romance apparently comes only in the form of a cologne,
a perfume
or a diamond.

and apparently
casts you into a far a way land;
a european forest in early autumn
painted black and white.

with what i guess media
and the world understands as

beauty.

she is a tall, long haired loose-curled, blonde woman
with a long dress.

and apparently
and he is a god chiseled from rock,
wearing black slacks and no shirt
or an open white button-up.

and a perfect white horse is also present

together
these two immaculate beings on their perfect horse
would ride off into their wooded home

apparently this is romance.
and it cannot be done without a cologne.

i guess
thinking for myself is never the answer.

i guess i was wrong in my thoughts of romance

my thoughts of a romance
between a man and woman.

i could delve deeper..
but whats the point.

i’m wrong

and the media is right

The Cost

i’ve been walking

and wherever i go

the ground is covered in ash

from the top of a small hill
i see a house thoroughly burned

and yet still standing

when i set foot inside

there is one room intact

inside this room

i see a single, small cabinet 

with one drawer

within, all i find are 

old, stained staples

tape

paper

pencil.
and my name

this was my room
and those staples,

this tape
they kept my mouth shut

i look out the single window and
remember

i burned this country side.
with one word i brought this house down.
with a sentence the hills went up in flames.

engulfed,
become the things that can hear my voice.

i quietly pick up the tape
wrap it firmly around my head

and seal my mouth shut

with the pencil in hand
i lower myself to the floor

and write on that pad of paper.

this pad is nearly full of scribbles
and mistakes.

i seem to never learn  

Never Paradise

i’m standing in the center of an empty room, staring at a wall painted black.
it fills my vision and i’m pulled into the expanding darkness.
i see nothing and i feel even less as the temperature drops rapidly.
my mind goes blank and my heartbeat slows.
as i fall forward, my stomach lurches and time slows.
consumed by emptiness, a small thought begins to form.
a thought that whispers to me that i led myself here.

Willingly brought to the edge of my sanity
what was once a single wall in a small room now envelops my entire being
the ground never comes when i feel myself falling
my hands stretch ever so slowly, but i continue to fall
my vision fails me and i fall into the void that i have created.

The Surface

There was a fire

it burned with great intensity

now, without a sound

there is only darkness

damp ground and singed trees.

i was alive and i knew hope

now i know nothing but the depths of the ocean

and lack of air

i’m sinking, not swimming

i’m drowning, not falling

it is a slow descent

full of terror

full of sorrow

as my vision dies

the last thing i can think of

is to stretch my hand out

toward the surface

Ropes

When i was walking across the rickety rope bridge

i paid no mind

to creaks and whines

until i heard the ropes snap and the tension slack

i was surprised to find

when i found myself falling

there wasn’t much of a fall

no, not much of a fall, at all.

Sinking Feeling

There’s a grey city

with empty streets

and empty buildings

This is a soundless city

with no cars

and no alarms

this is also a rainy city

it’s mostly light rain

and it’s mostly sunny, too

no people

no birds

no life

but trees.

I dropped my hat there once

and chased it

as the wind danced with it

whisking it from street lights

to park benches

my body got shivers

as my hair got soaked

when the light rain

turned to a downpour

at once, the wind retreated

to where I can only assume

was its home

I grabbed my hat

and sat under the awning of a building

facing an overly cracked and worn basketball court

I watched the weeds living in the cracks

get pummeled by the rain

the rain never lightened up that day

and I was forced to sleep

in a city where the only person

that could be found

was watching weeds in cracks on basketball courts

Ties on the Floor

i see fluttering

white sheets

torn paper

folded like butterflies

in freefall

soundless descension

there’s black ink

scribbled inside

like names

They are names,

i sigh

in recognition

names i know

my name

every one

There’s no help

no comfort

no words

in fluttering sheets

discarded; useless

dying moths

the last paper

scrapes floor

and rests

it’s like snow

these sheets

deafening: monochromatic

and i stand

silently staring

all lost

in a room

by myself

with only myself

When I Can't Feel Anything

i couldn’t feel You in the wind

i couldn’t feel You in the impassioned words

i couldn’t feel You in the drum beat

i couldn’t feel You in the rain

i couldn’t feel You in the heartfelt lyrics

i couldn’t feel You in the glow of lights mixed with dust that night

i couldn’t feel You in the passion of those around me

i couldn’t feel You in the music

i couldn’t feel You in the images displayed

i couldn’t feel You in the lasers, the smoke and the mirrors

i couldn’t feel You in the heat

i just couldn’t feel You in those moments

but that didn’t stop me from knowing

that You were there

that You are here

that You will be here

that You inspire heartfelt lyrics

that You stir up the winds

that You remove the dust from my eyes

that You cause rain to fall

that You shake the earth

that You stand, unmoving

that You will never end

that You are King of kings

and that You still move in moments when feeling is fleeting

When i can’t feel anything

i can’t help but sit in silence

knowing that You’re still there

no matter what i feel.

long live the King

forever is Your reign

When I Say Time, I Mean a Lacktherof

My fear is large and formless

shape shifting

like a shadow that doesn’t get stamped out in the light

it looks like darkness

it looks like death

it looks like loneliness

and it looks like people

it grows like anger

a small flame that feeds this formless entity

no light penetrates

a fortress i don’t want seen

i reach out in vein

all i do is in vein

because my pride

is what i clutch inside

fear of you

and fear of me

being swallowed by the tide

while others stand tall

i see my fear

i see my shame

a towering wave

will pull me out to see

my fear

in a perfect form

like water

filling all the cracks and openings i haven’t closed

i can’t figure out, where it was

that i became 

what i sought to protect

On Slopes

i want
i never want to be here.
i hate it here.

i want to run
i wish to jump off this cliff

and free fall
once again.

i remember the time
of always falling.
and never gripping

but still being constrained.

and in a sense

i am still here.

i’m stuck falling
i’m always failing

and i hate being here.

i wish.
so wish
to never fail again

i wish
never wish
to be filled with disdain

i desire to do something
besides try in vein
to clamber up this wall.

and so
i run
and i stumble
and i fall

and i roll
off the cliffside.

and again

i am stranded.
always falling

terrified.
yet
apathetic 

and i am painfully silent
in the face of my tragedy.


so i’ll hide my face
and continue falling

just always falling.