The Nature of Loss and My Brain

I sat alone, staring at the tiled floor beneath my feet as the thought finally hit me, “I miss you."

It has been more than a couple weeks since someone near and dear to me has passed away, and today is the first time this thought has crept into my brain.

This person was my aunt and she is survived by a husband and 3 children. There is no way I would ever be so selfish as to presume that my missing of her should ever take precedence over her immediate family.

Even so, I sat with my family, I watched movies and boatloads of food be bused into my dad's house all day by other families who just wanted to help. I ate, they ate, and we all gained 5 pounds in those days.

I was sad, but not because of my own loss, if it can be called that. 

I was sad, scared and felt utterly lost for my family who was immediately affected. 

Days passed, then weeks and now, finally, I can see hope beginning again in my mind, and returning to the faces of everyone around me. Hope for their own lives, hope for today, hope for the future. 

This might have been all that I needed, a prerequisite to be satisfied before I could think that "I miss you".

There is hope, and my family will persevere, which is why, without tears, without pain, but with a slight longing, 

I think in a whisper: "I miss you".