Who Was It?

who was it that i followed?
who was it that i said i was?

who was it again?

in this world without mirrors
i’ve lost my identity

slowly morphing the world around me

this outward glance
looking deep inside

the feigning stance
quietly disappeared

into my slouching on all fours
where did i stand?

why did i stand?

did i always
roll in my own filth?
eat off the floor?
sleep in the dirt?

my words are nothing

did i always have no meaning?

did i ever carry any weight?

did i always gnaw through my shelter?
did i always eat what cared for me?

the world is barren

my thoughts are fading

i think i was something else
or someone else..

a voice rings in my ears
in a language i no longer understand

did i ever understand this language?

the questions continue to mount

so i raise my head
and release a mournful yell

directed at nothing

but the dull light in the sky

frustration wins out
and i slump to the ground

alone in this grey

this noise in my head won’t stop
and thirst overwhelms me

the noise rings louder as i near the water
i close my eyes and lower my head to drink

when i open my eyes
i see something staring  back at me

and the ringing turns to murmurs
shock turns to fear
and murmurs turn to whispers

my fear withers to shame

my head falls in my hands

as the words ring clear:

"where are you going?
you, who i formed

don’t forget what you look like
don’t forget my face

my son
my son

why do you howl to the moon?

you were made to stand tall
and sit with me at the table

not lap up spills
and eat crumbs from the floor.

my son
my son

my heart breaks
over your broken state

don’t forget me
don’t forget me

i will never forget you
don’t forget my voice

my son
my son

my love will never cease
my fight for you will never end

you never have to run in shame
i will always fight for you
i will always love you

my son
my son

how i love you”

the fur i never had
fell to the ground

my eyes blur
but see the skin of my hands
catching droplets of what seems to be water

i remember who i was
i know who you are

i may never understand why you persist

but i will always love you
even when i don’t know who i am
even when i think i’ve forgotten who you are

you never leave me..

oh father
my father