On Desiring to Venture About

I have many doubts and questions surrounding why it is that I love what I love.
What I'm talking about is Japan.
As far back as being 8 or 9 years old, I've had a fascination with Japan.
I used to blame my infatuation with Anime and Manga as my reasoning,
but that isn't very relevant anymore, since I hardly watch or read these pieces of Japanese pop culture.
With further thought, I've come to the conclusion that it was never those portions of pop culture that pulled me to Japan.
Maybe I can blame my grandparents, having lived there for a time when my dad was young.
so is it a social factor of my upbringing? seeing many souvenirs and hearing stories from Japan in my delicate years are the reason?
I might have been able to blame this obsession on my family when I was younger,
but I don't think that holds much merit now.

I'm my own person, at least I like to think that I am, and after so many years I'm still quite obsessed with this place and its culture.

which bring me to my thoughts now, I am infatuated with this place because of many things, I think.
the culture fascinates me, it's exotic.
the language is very intriguing and I love learning it.
the above serves to explain that
this place is different from my own place.
a vastly different culture than my own
a foreign country where they don't speak my language
and a place where people interact differently than they do here.

the clincher is that, I've never even been to Japan.
which raises this fear that my infatuation with this culture is like that of a small girl's crush.
In that when I am finally able to visit Japan I'll see the ugly side and I'll suddenly snap out of my delusion
and then never want to return, ever again.
the exotic feeling will fade, and so will my infatuation with Japan,
this is my ultimate fear.

but does this fear have any grounds?

I mean, I'm scared to lose my love of this thing I've focused on for so long,
can I really be deterred by disillusionment?
I'll never be truly ready to see the ugly side until I see if for myself,
but that doesn't mean I can't move past that.
Japan is full of people,
and people aren't perfect.
there will always be things that I don't like, no matter where I'm at,
and Japan is no exception.

I just have to go and see for myself,
what happens will happen
and at the very least I'll have my experience.

maybe a more concrete fear is my lack of understanding of the language and the culture,
when I go there, will I even be able to communicate?
how many times will I offend people before nailing doing how to act and speak?
it boils down to; will I sink or will I swim?

This is the fear that truly haunts me,
not whether or not I'll fall out of love with Japan,
because this infatuation will surely fade, at least somewhat.

But I'm a terribly shy person
and the thought of possibly embarrassing myself is a life or death situation, for me.

This still circles back to
I won't always be horrible at speaking with people
and I'll (hopefully) make some friends along the way.
I just have to steel my resolve
and take the plunge,
leave my comfort zone
and venture out into the unknown.